Life starts now
by ChocoholicxGamer
Summary: Mello comes back right after the abduction of Kiyomi Takada and saw the report of Matt being dead on the TV, but is he really dead? Is Mello's sorrow really reasonable? MattxMello / yaoi
1. Chapter 1

**AN**: So, I wrote this fanfic a while ago and I thought that the new year might be a nice time to post it (it doesn't have anyhing to do with New Year, but still I thought posting a fanfic at silvester is kinda nice). :)

This OS is set right after the abduction of Kiyomi Takada - hope you like it! :)

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Fuck! Why the hell did he have to die? Why did those fucking bodyguards just shoot him? Why couldn't I simply die in his place? He's always been there for me and supported me with every single fucking plan I had and still he was the one to die today... why? Even when I told him about the plan we pulled through today he simply agreed without even taking time to think about it a little more, why the fuck did he do that?

I enter our shared- no … my … from now on... just my own flat. In the hope of finding anything that could bring Matt out of my mind at least for a little while, I walk over to the fridge. The only thing I can find that might help me is the vodka, hopefully at least that will make my mind free for a little time, because the thought of Matt hurts like hell!

Matt always motivated me to never give up, no matter how close I was to actually giving it all up. He was the greatest support I could ever dream of. Whenever I needed him, he was there for me supporting me, motivating me and always pushing me a little further so that I can be at the point that I am at today – I have taken an important step towards the ending of Kira's crimes.

No matter what decision I have made or what I have done – I could always rely on Matt standing right beside me at any time, helping and supporting me whenever I needed him... but I guess now that won't happen anymore, because he's gone... and it's all my fault!

I sit down on the window sill, where Matt always used to sit and smoke. Opening the bottle of vodka, I keep thinking about Matt. This all brings back so many memories. This whole flat is practically just a whole huge bunch of memories with Matt!

That one spot on the floor right in front of the TV was the spot where he used to sit as he played his video games because the huge screen wasn't huge enough if he sat on the couch just like any other normal human. He always sat there with his goggles pulled over his eyes, hunched over with a bowed back and played for hours not caring for anything else while he played.

Even though there weren't many things that he cared about apart from gaming... actually there were close to no things he cared about apart from that, he always took some time for me whenever I came to him and needed someone. He protected me, supported me and finally he even gave me the strength and the bravery to move on, fight and follow my dreams. Without him I would probably still sit at Whammy's House waiting for nothing just wasting my whole life. I would never have made it on my own, I could never have left the Whammy's, gone to Los Angeles completely without any money, join the Mafia there and in just a short time climb up the ranks there until the very top.

Matt was the only one who was there for me even after all the others have left. I could always rely on him and not only that, he prevented me from giving up even when I was at the edge of losing it all. He listened to me and I could talk to him about really anything.

A life without Matt is just unimaginable to me! After all he was my best friend.. and to be honest also my only one. I wished he was more than 'just' a friend to me.

The moment when I first realized that I love Matt was when we were still in Whammy's, to be exact, it was the night when we left Whammy's – the night from fifth to sixth december.

L has always been like an older brother for all of us children at Whammy's. Still Matt somehow made it to smile and keep looking forward, he saved me from drowning in my own sorrow. That's one of the reasons why I look up to him so much. Sometimes I felt like whenever I lacked at strength to carry on, he simply gave me some of his strength. Because he obviously had enough strength for both of us, whilst mine wasn't even enough for me alone.

Now that I reached my goal for the last years, I don't even know what to do anymore. I've got nothing left to do, everything I wanted to achieve in my life, everything I wanted to have or do is already done. At times like that Matt usually told me what to do or helped me to find something new to work for, but where the fuck is he now? I need him!

The emptiness inside me grows bigger and bigger with every single second that I spend my time thinking about Matt. There's no purpose for me to live anymore. I will never be able to get him out of my head. He will always be there and the pain I feel will never increase. For the rest of my life, I will always be living in pain and sorrow, suffering from my own mistakes. I've emptied almost the whole bottle of vodka by now and still I can't get him out of my mind even for a second!

I walk over to the kitchen to get a knife. I have to feel anything else than this. Just anything! If there's no other way to stop my thoughts about Matt than I guess that's the only way I've got left. I put the blade on my arm and put a slight pressure on it. I can feel the cold blade slicing up my skin. The blood is leaping out of my arm and dripping on the floor. I'm getting dizzy and fall to the floor because I can't hold my own body up straight anymore. This knife just brings more pain to me, but it covers up the pain from before. The pain from losing Matt. I cut my arm a few more times, until I finally feel too weak to even hold the knife in my hand. I can barely keep my eyes open.

I'm lying on the floor, surrounded by a huge puddle of blood, as I hear steps coming my direction. I feel someone grabbing my arms and lifting me slightly from the floor.

"Mello! … Mello! … What have you done?! ... Are you okay? … Can you hear me? … Mello!" My view already got too blurry and I can't see who that is, but the voice sounds just like Matt's.

That's when I pass out.

**TIME SKIP**

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Damn, that headache is killing me! And what the fuck is that pain in my arm? I'm still feeling dizzy – why the fuck did I try to drink Matt out of my mind, I could have known from the start that this won't work up. I open my eyes to look what happened to my arm. Damn it! I even cut? Nothing could ever get Matt out of my mind so why did I even bother to try? Everything I got from that now is pain, headache and a guilty conscience, because I feel like I cheated on Matt.

Oh, how I hate myself at the moment! If I give up now, it's like I throw away everything he's been fighting and working for up until now. All the bravery, strength and support he shared with me, all the things he's done for me... everything. He would've wanted me to not give up and keep living and fighting. I'm sure he would have wanted me to believe in myself and carry on, but how?! How should I keep fighting without him by my side? I can't! Without him, I'm just a stupid weakling.

I slowly sit up in my bed and let my legs hang from the edge of my bed. My head is still pounding like crazy. I get up to get some pain killers from the kitchen, or at least I try – it's not that easy to walk when you're still feeling dizzy. When I finally made it to the kitchen I can't even believe my own eyes. It's Matt! No – that can't be! Matt... is dead – he died yesterday.. he can't be alive. I've seen the report on the TV with his corpse lying next to his car – this can't be a mistake.

Am I still asleep? Or is the vodka still having an effect on my cognition? In any way – that guy standing there can't possibly be Matt! No way! That's impossible!

Suddenly he turns his head around "Good morning!" It's the same cheeky smile on his face as always – that can't be a dream... it's so real! I stumble towards him and wrap my arms around him and pushing my face against his breast. Tears are forming in my eyes. He's got to be real. I don't know how, but I know for sure that this really is Matt – I'm sure of that.

"Here, some pain killers and coffee. Guess you might need that." he laughs – just the way he always does. He's so lightheartedly as if he has absolutely no problems in his life. No doubt – he is Matt.

"So, why did you do that? Why did you drink that much and why did you cut?" For some reason he doesn't seem to be as calm as he usually is, but still very calm. The tears are flowing from my eyes like waterfalls now.

"I-... I thought you were dead! I saw it on TV … I felt guilty ... I couldn't stand the thought of having to live the rest of my life without you! I couldn't bare that pain anymore... I didn't see any other way out... I need you!..." I guess he could hardly understand anything of what I said because I simply can't stop sobbing.

"Well I thought that too, but the bulletproof vest could at least protect the most important organs and somehow I made it to escape when they once didn't look after me."

"Mello..." Matt says silently, lifting my chin a little. He looks me in the eyes deeply and then he moves his head towards mine until our lips entwine. "I'm so sorry that I have worried you and that you cut because of me and got drunk! But now we can leave all that shit behind and keep looking forward. We can start all over and forget about everything that happened up until now. From now on we can live a new life, completely different from our previous one. I love you and I will stay with you forever – promise!"

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AN: Please leave a review - I'd love to know what you liked and what you didn't like about it! x3

and HAPPY NEW YEAR - wish you all a great 2014! 3 xxx


	2. Chapter 2

**AN:** I know it's quite short, but I thought it was better than if I make up something more by force and only try to make it longer, so here you go! :D enjoy~

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"So you're saying that we can be whoever we want from now on?" I ask, trying not to show how excited I truly am about all this, even though I'm pretty sure I fail at it really badly. I'm glad I get the opportunity to start all over. It's as if I once already lost my life and now I got the chance to change everything the way I want it, so I should use it wisely.

"Most likely, yeah..." Matt replies. As he looks at me, a smile creeps on his face. "Just tell me who you want to be and I'll make you."

"Well, if I can choose whatever I want, I want to be..." I don't know who I want to be. There are way too many options for me to choose just like that. I could do almost anything, but the things I'm the best at are just the things I've been doing all the time up until now and that's also the reason why I've been doing just that.

There's just one thing I'm truly good at and that one thing is being Mello. Being the weird, bitchy and brutal me, trying to save the world (and even succeeding in that), being a hero and a criminal at the same time. Bossing others around, hurting people, being damn egoistic and annoying and not giving a single fuck about anyone else. That's me. I'm that coldhearted bastard, killing even children, without hesitating for only a second, not showing any emotion at all.

That's just who I am and always was, but is someone like me, with such a strong personality and such a terribly stubborn mind really able to change and be a completely different person just like that?

Sure – I'm capable of really anything, if only I really want it. I know that for sure. I already proved that several times. But is that really what I want? I worked so hard to build up my life the way I want it. Do I really want to change that badly and therefore give up all of the things I've worked for so long?

As I sink deeper and deeper into my thoughts, I realize that there isn't anything I'm particularly good at, other than being myself and living on the life I've lived up until now. Any other thing just wouldn't feel right.

This room feels so large it gives me the feeling of being lost, having nothing to hold on to. But at the mean time it all feels so tiny and yet it shrinks further and further, taking all the space I need away, giving me the feeling of being hemmed in. The air is getting thinner and I feel like I can hardly breathe anymore.

Tears are rushing into my eyes instantly and soon they're streaming down my cheeks.

You could see my life and everything I've been working for all my life until now as a huge fortress. One by one there are cracks forming on that fortress. It's starting to fall apart. I'm standing in the middle of it all, whilst one brick after another is falling to the ground and it feels like a part of me dies just now. I'm just standing there watching my whole life fall apart in front of my eyes, not able to do anything to stop it.

That's when I feel Matt's arm around my shoulders and suddenly it all feels like it means nothing anymore. There are still more and more cracks forming on the fortress of what I've worked for and one by one it's falling apart, one piece after another slowly tumbling to the ground. Everything's breaking into thousands of pieces, but to me it doesn't matter anymore. As long as I have Matt standing by my side, holding me whenever I need him, I can consider myself the happiest person on this whole fucking planet.

The glance of his eyes looking at me and that sweet, cheeky smirk on his face gives me more strength than you could ever imagine. It makes me stronger. Strong enough to watch all the things I've worked for fall apart around me, still holding a smile on my face at the thought of Matt being right here by my side.

Matt's the one who leads me out of the ruins of what once was my life. Leaving all the fears, problems and trouble behind. Towards a completely new start. A new life. A better one. A life where I don't have to worry about Matt's or my life on a daily basis.

No more fighting on the edge of death and life, no more fearing that it was the last time I ever saw Matt's beautiful, orbit green eyes, almost covered up by his long, disheveled, deep red hair, his cheeky smirk that stays at it's place at all times. No longer I will have to fear anything, as long as I know he's there with me.

"Matt?" Still sobbing like a small kid, I lift my head up and look at his eyes. "I don't care what we're going to do from now on, but there's one thing I want. I want you to make me Mr. Mihael Jeevas."

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Hope you liked it! :)

*leaving chocolate behind for reviewers*


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